Quanta of Humour (à la CERN)

1.
Q: What did the up quark say to the down quark after the charm quark dumped her?
A: Awh honey, you just gotta muon!

2.
Q: What did the strange quark say to the W boson?
A: Fishfish wibble — I am a teapot!

3.
Bottom quark pulls the gag from his mouth and says to top quark, ‘Ok, but before we get into this whole BDSM collision, what’s the safeword?’ Top quark says, ‘How about, unified-theory-of-quantum-gravity?’ Bottom quark pauses. ‘Ok …’ he says. ‘Right on,’ top quark says, and speeds off.

Bottom quark watches top quark rush away, but as he sits waiting in the accelerator, he starts to get antsy. Just as he sees top quark speeding back round the ring toward him at 99.99999999% of the speed of light, he suddenly thinks, Man, I don’t know if I’m ready for this shit. ‘Unified-theory-of-quaaa-’ he starts to cry, but right then, top quark smashes into him in a blinding ball of plasmic energy.

After all the smatters and smithereens have traced out their trails, top quark and bottom quark are sat next each other on the CERN ring fence. Top quark is smoking a cigarette. Bottom is rubbing his backside. It’s sore.

‘You know,’ bottom quark says, ‘for next time, can we find a slightly shorter safeword? Maybe just something like “Higgs” or “c” or something?’

‘How about Shrödingerian-wave-particle-duality?’ top quark suggests.

‘Yeah, you know, that’s exactly not what I mean,’ bottom quark says.

‘The truth is,’ top quark says, ‘whatever we choose, there’s always going to be a degree of uncertainty. Like, there’s always going to be this uncertainty with quantum situations, as to whether I’ve really heard the safeword or not.’

‘Yeah,’ bottom quark says. ‘Arsehole.’

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